Self evaluation

Ok so I only do this when I really have something on my mind then my hands type so fast I feel my thoughts don’t keep up. So here is my heart in ink…….. It has officially been 2 years and I really don’t know how to feel anymore. I know it’s not a normal feeling because it is neither happy nor sad. It just is. I used to be so broken hearted I felt each breath was harder than the last and used to really fight back tears so often and so hard that my head would begin to hurt. And I must admit that sometimes I do feel like crying it’s not for the same reason anymore…but I’ll get into that later. If you would’ve approached me 2 years ago today, my face would’ve been red, eyes swollen, and I probably wouldn’t have said much in attempts to return to my solitude. The reason being is I had just had my soul broken and my heart shattered into too many pieces to try and mend. I was made to feel as if I wasn’t good enough by the one person whose opinion of me mattered most. All of a sudden I no longer felt loved, and I actually felt abused after considering all the things I endured on the past. But not to linger on that too long, the bottom line is I truly felt more alone than I ever had in my life. This is no uncommon feeling simply because we all have felt lonely at some point or another. But this kind of loneliness was more, it was despair. I no longer knew who I was and couldn’t remember who I used to be. I had to look to others to remind me. I had to rebuild friendships and reconnect with people I had neglected in attempts to be someone I ultimately found I never was. I always fell short. I didn’t understand why I felt this way. I mean on paper I looked pretty good, but I couldn’t see who I was or why I felt this way. Well later on in this what may be lengthy story, a tragic turn of events caused brought me to hear a message I never heard but when I did I felt a huge burden begin to lift from my heart. In a matter of a few moments I found myself feeling a little more confident and sure of my worth. However I was still misguided, but this time was different. This time it was a test of trial and error that allowed me to journey on the road to finding me, the real me. To learn things as simple as my real favorite color or songs I liked. And yes I was that far gone. I begin to become the woman I always wanted to be, the me I had planned for years before the mayhem. But most importantly, I became stronger. I was able to speak my heart and mind without fear of upsetting someone. I was able to walk in my own lane without being overshadowed or overseen. I was really free and I enjoyed it! I met a few people and fell into some situations that weren’t ideal but I knew from the beginning and had no issue walking away from them and moving on. I even went on a total lock down for long while but that’s also later in this letter. I learned myself and learned my capacity for patience, love, and bullshit. I learned to be me and live my life for me. Now this may sound like a story of inspiration but I assure you it’s not because as I learned myself then, I am learning myself now. So this is just a story of me I guess. Yeah, of me now. Now back to the story. Now I was stronger and made decisions and stuck with them most of the time…..yeah I broke a few times but I’m human so judge me if that makes you feel better. Over the course of a year I felt I had come a long way and I did. I was my own woman, no longer categorized as his or them. Thus the emergence of Elle. Elle is a new chick! She’s part diva but still willing to get her hands dirty. She’s classy, but can still get in that ass. She’s spiritual, smart, ambitious, and a little vain lol. But she’s an imperfect perfection! (Yes I am talking about myself in the 3rd person so get over it or stop reading) Elle is a tough chick that will get what she needs and wants and has no problem letting people go to move forward. Ok enough of that 3rd person stuff. I am now what I want from life and now I’m getting it. But here’s the problem. I feel heartless. See I was once heartbroken and in constant pain, but now I feel nothing. I wish I did but my conditioning is to stop what’s hurting me and protect what it is that was hurt. And this might go further than a building a wall thing. This is a completely ignore the emotional side of myself that goes any further than just ‘favoring or liking’ someone. If anything deeper tries to occur I quickly pull back and redirect my energy to something else…like work. Which isn’t a bad thing but it only goes so far. Do I really want to be a woman who’s great at work but sucks at relationships? Why can’t I be good at both? Why won’t I even try? This is the safer route but times like now are when it weighs the heaviest. Times when people are planning special things for that someone special in their lives, like for Sweetest Day, Christmas, and soon Valentine’s day which is very near to my birthday(because time is flying). These are the hardest times for me. And since I don’t turn to anyone about these things I just send them out to cyberspace to release them hoping to feel the effects. At this point when it comes to matters of the heart, I am lost! I haven’t thought with my heart in so long I can’t remember its voice. I don’t remember what comes next or when it comes. See now this is when my typing slows down because I don’t know what’s happening. I know something is missing, I know what it is, but I don’t know how to get it so really I know NOTHING! I get stressed sometimes because I have reminiscent feelings or experiences and I flip. I have to coach myself through really simple things but I don’t know the rules to the game so I’ll let you figure out how that ends up. I guess there’s always my career, right? But what if I hide behind what I do so often, that one day I wake up to resent what I love doing? Then what? I’ll tell you what, I’ll have nothing! I’ll be miserable because I didn’t properly balance my life. And life is all about balance. And right now I have none. The frustration and internal conflicts I’m having are making simple things so hard right now. My feet feel like they're stuck in cement and I can't go forward but when I feel like retreating I sure as hell can manage to run back. *sighs* See before I could blame someone for these feelings but this time there is only me. Am I supposed to go it alone until I figure this out or do I rely on others to help me find my way? (kinda rhetorical but feel free, I mean I am putting myself out there so fu** it) And before anyone says anything, don’t say pray to ask God to make it alright because I already know that so don’t take the easy way out. Put some REAL thought into it or just keep quiet. Not being rude but I feel people use “just pray and ask the Lord” as a way to be lazy. I hate reading someone poor their soul out and someone say “turn it over to the Lord”. Maybe they already have but that doesn’t help them right now and it doesn’t remove the thoughts and questions in their mind. Remember: God works on his own time, not yours. So if he hasn’t handled it yet maybe he wants you to use the resources he put in your life such as the people he has placed around you to help you figure it out yourself…God helps those who help themselves…ring a bell anyone??? Hmmm??? Back to the subject at hand…so what am I to do? Fake it til I make it? Be upfront and let it be known that I am petrified of people who get too close to me? Or just continue on with my everyday dealings hoping to forget for a lil longer or that it’ll resolve itself? I’m getting a headache……………………………………………..to be continued…..maybe