A beautiful disaster (written March 02, 2008)

So I woke pretty early this morning with a heavy burden on my mind. One thing I can say is Love is everlasting, so this is no declaration that I no longer love but a removal from an unhealthy situation. So much of myself has been given with only one request in return. A request that was never honored. So much has been given only to be left with feeling that I'm not the rare commodity that I am. To feel like I come a dime in a dozen! Well no more! Because I know I am no easy find, so good luck finding another improved model. Because I get better, stronger, and closer to perfection with every breath taken. My size 11 shoes, which I wear proudly are hard to fill, especially under the circumstances they were in. Undying love, insurmountable forgiveness, constant compromise, ongoing support, a partner as close as a right hand when needed. Strength when you had none. See those hard times you faced, I was right behind you. Not weighing you down as you would like others to think, but pushing you when you had no more strength to go on. When no one else could be found, I was no further than a simple phone call even when times were more than hard. Where was everyone else? And you claim to have a heart in pieces. It must be from the absence of those claiming to love you more than I did. This is a betrayal of love, and time; past, present, and future. Disbelief is only a state, but when you find yourself living there, it becomes your new home. Sorry there's no WELCOME mat, but I never thought this would be. But this is only my side of the story. Maybe you felt I had betrayed you. Maybe you felt your needs weren't getting met at times or maybe you needed more space. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't good enough for you! Now how's that for self-actualization. Maybe we were doomed from the beginning. Because I know I had clues (life's bitch slaps) to an inevitable end, and I know you did too. We both bent ourselves to fit into one anothers life, changed things that we believed for our individual selves to become a more inpenetrable unit. But there were 2 openings at the base of our stone wall. A vulnerable spot, one belonging to each of us. The more I write, the more I see the problem. It was me! I should've followed my first mind when I still had strength, courage, and common sense to do so. And you should've too. For me it was that day I should've walked away, but the look, the words, all promised better tomorrows. And while they lasted for a few, I knew better all the way. The trust had been broken then, too severe to repair. But I tried, we tried, and we managed a few more smiles even in between the turbulence which eventually manifested itself as a permanent fixture between us. The problem is I tried when I already knew. I should've said good-bye. And even when I felt life ripped from my being, my son flushed, I knew there would be no comeback. I still hold him next to me with a regret I'll never be free of. But I tried anyway when I knew the coffin had been nailed shut. We were definitely through then. And then her! No matter how that turned out, my trust for you had been destroyed. But my love, your love, just the love we shared together helped me think different. So I held on, prolonging what was sure to come. The love I have for you is dangerous. Dangerous to me, because I will ignore my better senses just to forgive you, to be yours. But! And I mean BUT, I wasn't as surprised as I seemed when it did finally end, but it still hurt just as bad as if I had no clue. Each heartbreak felt like the first time. See I'm the foolish one here, these were things I knew for certain but I ignored them for the sake of being in love. I gave all of me and some of me I didn't fully have yet in return for heckles. But that's spilled milk now because life rewrites itself. New chapters emerge. And while you'll always be apart of me, you'll never be good enough for me. And that may go both ways, but how tragic! We were given something great and let it shatter, damaged forever. Well, live and learn right. In my life you're the love. And while we still involve each other, I know what will not be. So amicable! But enough with the bad, the good has also been so remarkable, that when I speak of it others move into disbelief with me. They just don't understand how we manage. How we have become a family in our hearts no matter the disfunction, lol! with the ability to rest assured we have someone to count on no matter what. The upbringing of the one who has grown to become ours and how special that bond is. Regardless of the size of what I've said in this blog, that which we share is greater than anything I could ever put into words. There aren't words! Do you see how conflicted this is?? I am?? Life's greatest love ended. The best and worst thing that ever happened all rolled into one. God has to be a comedian, because this is too funny to be shameful. A beautiful disaster, LOL! But new chapters right? Through all this what is hoped to remain is the friendship that nothing or no one else can replace. The friendship that has been the source of so many laughs, support for hardships, and just there for no good reason at all. The friendship that has made it through the storm time after time. The friendship that has been, the only friendship that we have had at times. So maybe that's what was supposed to come from all this. So here's a toast to friendship. ( I know he would understand what I'm saying, but can anyone else? Sometimes you have to let go and move on, who knows maybe life will throw you a boomerang, LOL!) I officially let go and let God! Day-by-day going with the flow, but no longer fooling myself.