Are they gluttons for punishment or do they really believe in the happily ever after? I used to be a fool for love but now I reconsider my position on a daily basis. I think about how much I have to give and how I would like to give and then I think about what I’m getting. Since I’ve yet to get back what I give, I now just wander until I either get lost in something else (usually work or partying) or I just forget where I was in the first place. I have decided that even though I want love, a healthy reciprocal love, I understand the chances of it actually happening. So I have to find myself content in the fact that I love me (most def baby!!!) and that I always have the love of God.
But I will be honest in saying that I do miss that feeling of someone laying next to me on those cold winter nights, laying around when its rainy outside, and making it a blockbuster night with some Asian takeout of some sort. While I am a pretty happy person, I can’t deny that I am finding myself to be a little lonely. Yeah I date and mingle occasionally, but I have yet to find someone in the same or similar position as myself. Everyone has their reasons, to which they are entitled, like their careers, families, or past relationships. But it’s not like I haven’t faced and dealt with or deal with any of those things too. I’m beginning to think maybe I’m the one whose situation doesn’t seem too appealing. I mean being honest, how many times does a person have to hear “I’m just not ready” before they begin to self doubt or just plain give up. It actually turns into a demoralizing experience.
The person I am dealing with at the moment, who is okay, I guess, has a love hangover. What I mean is, his past situation damn near broke him and now he’s playing the field so-to-speak until he feels comfortable settling down again. And while I empathize with him, that’s just not good enough for me now. I am ready for more. I’m past letting others in my past dictate my happiness now. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle waiting on something that may not be mine in the end. I don’t want to see my feelings get hurt again and I damn sure don’t want another broken heart. I’m wishing I never gave it up especially after closing up shop until I had a new steady and permanent occupant.(and yes I’m talking about sex) I don’t want this feeling that’s weighing down my chest making each breath feel harder and more painful than the next.
All this and I’m not even in love! What would it feel like if I was in love? Would I feel like I do now? I remember feeling that way in my past relationship. Love really hurt me, it almost broke me, and it murdered the person I used to be. Until I learned who Elle really was, I could hardly recognize myself. I just knew that this new chick had a fire that burned bright. She’s risky, fun, a little arrogant, strong, and confident. She says the hard things even when she doesn’t want to simply because she wants or needs to know. She is a better me. I transformed because of what love put me through. I have walked away from hate with less damage.
Right now this is just an incomplete thought………….
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