The Pisces Woman (taken from http://highpriestess.wordpress.com/2007/12/06/the-pisces-woman/)

I'm not much for horoscopes and astrology but I like to see what people have to say. Being a Pisces, this is the most accurate description of myself I have ever read or heard someone else give. And to know this person doesn't know I exist, yet read me so well is really something else. Well I'll let you read what was said.



‘Well, what are you?” said the Pigeon. “I can see you’re trying to invent something!” “I-I’m a little girl,” said Alice, rather doubtfully.
She found herself at last in a beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains.
The line forms to the right. And please don’t crowd. There may not be enough Pisces women for every man, but that’s no reason to be unruly. You’ll have to take your turn, and hope for the best.
Even without astrology, rumors have spread about the charms of a Pisces female. She has her negative points, to be sure, but at first glance she’s every man’s grade school valentine, with maybe just a touch of a Playboy bunny to add some pepper. We might as well admit that the modern, emancipated woman, with her cast-iron image, has made the Pisces girl’s value shoot even higher. With all that free­dom from the feminine mystique clouding the air over lover’s lane, the demure, pretty, helpless Neptune creature has to beat off the men with big sticks.
It’s hardly surprising that she’s at a premium. The Neptune female seldom tries to overshadow her man, mar­ried or single. She hasn’t the slightest hidden, neurotic desire to dominate him in any way. He can pull out her chair, put on her coat, whistle for the taxi, light her cigarette and talk about how wonderful he is to his heart’s content. All she wants is that he should protect her and care for her. She’s happily content to lean on his big broad shoulder and let him know, with wide-eyed wonder, how strong he is, and how much she needs him in this scary world. Just think of all those wolves out there, waiting to devour Red Riding Hoods. It’s enough to make a girl get out her smelling salts. Even if she isn’t quite as Victorian as all that (though plenty of girl fish are), she’ll be a charm­ing listener to all his troubles, and what is referred to as a good egg through every crisis.
A Pisces woman thinks her mate, lover, boy friend, brother, father-in fact, any man-can lick the whole world with one hand tied behind his back, and it takes a surprisingly small amount of her touching faith to con­vince them of the same thing, men being the way they are. And you wonder why she’s so popular? The Pisces girl is a cozy, calm haven of tranquility for her proud male, far from the noise of the frame and the ticker tape machines. The lights in her fish pond are soft and dim. They soothe tired eyes which have been blasted by neon and all those silly little figures at the stock market she couldn’t understand to save her life. (Though if it would really save her life, she would sharpen her pencil.)
In the winter she wears fluffy angora mittens. In the Spring she wears dainty, full skirts. Summers will find her in a brief bikini. In the fall she’ll look adorable sitting be­side you at football games, with her hands in your pockets to keep them warm, and asking you the score. She is eter­nally feminine in all seasons. At the risk of making an un­derstatement, men are drawn to her like bumblebees to a honey pot.
A short conversation with her, and a man instantly re­laxes. He pictures a glowing, crackling fire on a chilly night, or he sees himself in a hammock on a balmy spring day, with no one to nag him. She makes it clear that she’ll never blame him for any problems in his career or any ac­cidental mistakes. It’s always someone else’s fault. Not her man’s. Shell never press him to get ahead faster. His own pace is perfect with her. Need I explain why the female fish makes the most dangerous other woman of all the Sun signs? Flash! Maritime warning: After marriage she may nudge a little. To be truthful, she may nudge a lot. In a way, it serves you right for letting yourself be so blinded by her charms. Lots of times she’ll even be bitterly sarcastic, but every woman has to have some flaws, and the Pisces girl will be gentle far more often than she’s quarrelsome. She has to be goaded by extreme cruelty or laziness in a mate to be a shrew-and who’s to say a cruel or lazy hus­band doesn’t deserve it? Not me. I’m with her.
Besides, her delectable femininity covers any minor defi­ciencies, and most of the time the typical Neptune girl is soft, dreamy and womanly. Since the fish swims in both directions at once, she adapts beautifully and quietly to conflicting situations that would turn other women into nervous Nellies. Of course, now and then, some cranky words and irritable chatter may bubble up from her nor­mally placid stream of thought. Occasionally a sensitive Neptune female who has suffered harsh treatment at an early age will allow bitterness to break the two symbolic fish of her sign apart-and this can be very sad. She be­comes a lonely, miserable Piscean, always swimming furi­ously, and meeting herself everywhere she dives down to escape-never realizing that the turning inward of her end­less love and sympathy toward herself is the real poison. Drugs and drink and false illusions hide the truth from her and blind her to the rocks in the river that might destroy her. But the average Neputune girl keeps both symbolic fish joined firmly together in smooth action, gliding softly first back, then a little forward, so you’re never quite sure exactly which way she’s headed. Pisces is said to be a deep, mysterious sea, into which all rivers flow. You’ll have a better chance of catching her if you know some of her elusive secrets. What makes her swim?
First of all, she’s subtle. Ask Nicky Hilton, Michael Wilding, Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton-each of whom married a Pisces. As a matter of fact, the same Pisces. She is not only subtle, she’s sometimes a bit deceptive when she practices her art of wrapping you around her emerald ear­rings. She’s delightfully vague and dreamy. She doesn’t know a thing about economics, but she manages to dress as though she was turned out by Sophie of Saks, cook frequent seven-course dinners for assorted grandchildren, pay the rent on time, and send exquisite gifts on holidays and birthdays- all on a monthly income about the size of one of Jack Benny’s tips. She has the open love and affection of two daughters-in-law, and an incongruous group made up of the librarian, the super, the owner of the comer delly, the fruit man, half a dozen stray cats and children, the butcher, the newsboy, and would you believe it, even the landlord. She may have one enemy. The man she turned down before she married her husband. He probably joined the Foreign Legion in disappointment, and now I doubt if she even re­members his name. Heartless females, these Pisces women. Subtle and deceptive. (But don’t try to tell their neighbors that.)
Like the March winds, your Pisces girl will have many a mood. She’s terribly sentimental, and when her feelings are wounded she can cry buckets. She’ll look at you so re­proachfully you’ll feel as if you’d just shot a small rabbit. Pisces females sometimes get the idea they’re hopelessly unequipped for the fierce battles and driving ambition re­quired to survive. Then deep depression sets in. At these times you’ll have to tell her she’s admired for her deep, mysterious wisdom and her blessed understanding by every single human she has ever graced with her friendship. It’s usually the gospel truth. The hardest lesson she has to learn is to overcome her timidity and her doubts. If the fears go deep, she’ll shut herself off from others, then wonder why she’s lonely. She’s often afraid of imposing, pushing too hard, taking advantage, when such thoughts are in no one’s head but hers.
Now and then a Pisces girl will cover her shyness and vulnerability with wisecracks, a sophisticated veneer and a frigid independent personality, but it’s merely a cloak of protection, worn to hide her uncertainty from the prying eyes of rough people who would bruise her genfle heart if she exposed it. I know one who pours out her real soul by writing lovely song lyrics with a secret message woven in the shades of her soft, very private dreams. When she’s not writing, she’s the picture of the brittle, callous, career woman she wants people to see. Yet, even this type of Pisces is unable to fight her Sun sign. With all her make-believe independence she waits on the curb and lets the man whistle for the cab. There are some things one just doesn’t do, as far as Neptune women are concerned; not acting like a lady in public is one of them. She fools a lot of men who could quiet her inner fears and make her take back her frequent claim of, “Who needs a husband? They only mess up your life.” Imagine a statement like that from a Piscean, who needs to belong to someone more than she needs to sleep, eat or breathe.
A Pisces girl will give all of her heart to her children, except for the large chunk she saves for you. She’ll love them all, but the ones who are uglier, weaker, smaller or sicker may have a slight edge with her. Only a Pisces movie star would pass up the little dimpled darlings and adopt a tiny, crippled tot with frightened eyes. Female fish are the greatest women in the world for understanding the shyness of small boys and the growing pains of awkward adolescent girls.
She’ll probably prefer not to enter the brutal com­petition of the commercial world, unless you desperately need her to. She had enough of that (if she’s a typical Neptune girl) when she worked for that big, confusing company while she was waiting for you to rescue her. Some, not all, but some Pisces women are a wee little bit extrav­agant. She may need some help figuring out why the bank’s balance doesn’t reconcile with her stubs, written in Sanskrit. Still, when an emergency forces her to adapt her champagne taste to a skim milk pocketbook, she’ll man­age.
She listens to the ocean, and it tells her things. In the> midst of the city, she still hears the waves of Neptune whispering to her Pisces heart more, perhaps, than she wants to know. Don’t forget her birthday or your anni­versary or the day you proposed. She won’t. hether she follows Neptune’s call as a dedicated nun in a convent or as a sultry songstress in a noisy nightclub-she’s a girl. All girl. One hundred per­cent.

Self evaluation

Ok so I only do this when I really have something on my mind then my hands type so fast I feel my thoughts don’t keep up. So here is my heart in ink…….. It has officially been 2 years and I really don’t know how to feel anymore. I know it’s not a normal feeling because it is neither happy nor sad. It just is. I used to be so broken hearted I felt each breath was harder than the last and used to really fight back tears so often and so hard that my head would begin to hurt. And I must admit that sometimes I do feel like crying it’s not for the same reason anymore…but I’ll get into that later. If you would’ve approached me 2 years ago today, my face would’ve been red, eyes swollen, and I probably wouldn’t have said much in attempts to return to my solitude. The reason being is I had just had my soul broken and my heart shattered into too many pieces to try and mend. I was made to feel as if I wasn’t good enough by the one person whose opinion of me mattered most. All of a sudden I no longer felt loved, and I actually felt abused after considering all the things I endured on the past. But not to linger on that too long, the bottom line is I truly felt more alone than I ever had in my life. This is no uncommon feeling simply because we all have felt lonely at some point or another. But this kind of loneliness was more, it was despair. I no longer knew who I was and couldn’t remember who I used to be. I had to look to others to remind me. I had to rebuild friendships and reconnect with people I had neglected in attempts to be someone I ultimately found I never was. I always fell short. I didn’t understand why I felt this way. I mean on paper I looked pretty good, but I couldn’t see who I was or why I felt this way. Well later on in this what may be lengthy story, a tragic turn of events caused brought me to hear a message I never heard but when I did I felt a huge burden begin to lift from my heart. In a matter of a few moments I found myself feeling a little more confident and sure of my worth. However I was still misguided, but this time was different. This time it was a test of trial and error that allowed me to journey on the road to finding me, the real me. To learn things as simple as my real favorite color or songs I liked. And yes I was that far gone. I begin to become the woman I always wanted to be, the me I had planned for years before the mayhem. But most importantly, I became stronger. I was able to speak my heart and mind without fear of upsetting someone. I was able to walk in my own lane without being overshadowed or overseen. I was really free and I enjoyed it! I met a few people and fell into some situations that weren’t ideal but I knew from the beginning and had no issue walking away from them and moving on. I even went on a total lock down for long while but that’s also later in this letter. I learned myself and learned my capacity for patience, love, and bullshit. I learned to be me and live my life for me. Now this may sound like a story of inspiration but I assure you it’s not because as I learned myself then, I am learning myself now. So this is just a story of me I guess. Yeah, of me now. Now back to the story. Now I was stronger and made decisions and stuck with them most of the time…..yeah I broke a few times but I’m human so judge me if that makes you feel better. Over the course of a year I felt I had come a long way and I did. I was my own woman, no longer categorized as his or them. Thus the emergence of Elle. Elle is a new chick! She’s part diva but still willing to get her hands dirty. She’s classy, but can still get in that ass. She’s spiritual, smart, ambitious, and a little vain lol. But she’s an imperfect perfection! (Yes I am talking about myself in the 3rd person so get over it or stop reading) Elle is a tough chick that will get what she needs and wants and has no problem letting people go to move forward. Ok enough of that 3rd person stuff. I am now what I want from life and now I’m getting it. But here’s the problem. I feel heartless. See I was once heartbroken and in constant pain, but now I feel nothing. I wish I did but my conditioning is to stop what’s hurting me and protect what it is that was hurt. And this might go further than a building a wall thing. This is a completely ignore the emotional side of myself that goes any further than just ‘favoring or liking’ someone. If anything deeper tries to occur I quickly pull back and redirect my energy to something else…like work. Which isn’t a bad thing but it only goes so far. Do I really want to be a woman who’s great at work but sucks at relationships? Why can’t I be good at both? Why won’t I even try? This is the safer route but times like now are when it weighs the heaviest. Times when people are planning special things for that someone special in their lives, like for Sweetest Day, Christmas, and soon Valentine’s day which is very near to my birthday(because time is flying). These are the hardest times for me. And since I don’t turn to anyone about these things I just send them out to cyberspace to release them hoping to feel the effects. At this point when it comes to matters of the heart, I am lost! I haven’t thought with my heart in so long I can’t remember its voice. I don’t remember what comes next or when it comes. See now this is when my typing slows down because I don’t know what’s happening. I know something is missing, I know what it is, but I don’t know how to get it so really I know NOTHING! I get stressed sometimes because I have reminiscent feelings or experiences and I flip. I have to coach myself through really simple things but I don’t know the rules to the game so I’ll let you figure out how that ends up. I guess there’s always my career, right? But what if I hide behind what I do so often, that one day I wake up to resent what I love doing? Then what? I’ll tell you what, I’ll have nothing! I’ll be miserable because I didn’t properly balance my life. And life is all about balance. And right now I have none. The frustration and internal conflicts I’m having are making simple things so hard right now. My feet feel like they're stuck in cement and I can't go forward but when I feel like retreating I sure as hell can manage to run back. *sighs* See before I could blame someone for these feelings but this time there is only me. Am I supposed to go it alone until I figure this out or do I rely on others to help me find my way? (kinda rhetorical but feel free, I mean I am putting myself out there so fu** it) And before anyone says anything, don’t say pray to ask God to make it alright because I already know that so don’t take the easy way out. Put some REAL thought into it or just keep quiet. Not being rude but I feel people use “just pray and ask the Lord” as a way to be lazy. I hate reading someone poor their soul out and someone say “turn it over to the Lord”. Maybe they already have but that doesn’t help them right now and it doesn’t remove the thoughts and questions in their mind. Remember: God works on his own time, not yours. So if he hasn’t handled it yet maybe he wants you to use the resources he put in your life such as the people he has placed around you to help you figure it out yourself…God helps those who help themselves…ring a bell anyone??? Hmmm??? Back to the subject at hand…so what am I to do? Fake it til I make it? Be upfront and let it be known that I am petrified of people who get too close to me? Or just continue on with my everyday dealings hoping to forget for a lil longer or that it’ll resolve itself? I’m getting a headache……………………………………………..to be continued…..maybe

WTF! Trust your heart (April 6, 2008)

What does that mean exactly? I mean life is so uncertain, so how do you go about trusting such an irrational part of yourself. I’m in love and have been for awhile. But what do you do when that love is at a crossroads? What do you do when the only thing you are certain of, is in the most confusing state? Do I trust my heart then? Well my heart and mind agree but not at the same time. My heart is saying, NOW NOW NOW!!
but my mind is saying wait awhile, give it time so it can be right this time. But it’s so confusing because there is a blazing fire that burns between us mentally, physically, eternally but it needs air to grow or water to shut it down. The water is nowhere in sight, but there is plenty of air and kindle to keep the fire growing forever.
But the question remains, how do I trust my heart? My heart is so guarded, and damaged in some places by the same forever I am so sure of. This wouldn’t even be an issue if forever wasn’t feeling the same. Hell that only makes me more certain!! So what am I to do until things come to pass?
I am the first to admit that I am no religious, bible thumper but when God speaks to me I do listen. Well speak to me because my heart is telling me to stay open to it. Is this you telling me this or am I just manifesting what my heart truly desires? Some guidance please! For now all I can do give it up to God and TRULY surrender this to him. but for my imperfect self I find myself begging for answers, and wanting so badly to do it myself. But I wait, humbly. So am I going to trust my heart, well yes! Because God is the protector of my heart and I faithfully believe that he won’t allow anything or anyone there who doesn’t belong. But it is a struggle, so I pray until then.

Red Pill or Blue? Insightful! (May 4, 2008) Still wonder about this one

So here I am, thinking. Just thinking why is life so different for women? Why is that in order to reach certain levels of success you have to choose between that or love? So as I mentioned I've been thinking. Thinking that if I am forced to choose, what will I pick? A life without love, no companion to kiss you goodbye. No steady person to make love to and explore you deepest freakiest pleasures and fall asleep in each others arms. Love. No LOVE to lie to you and cheat on you and transform you into someone you don't recognize most of the time. Love who can distract you from work, school and other important things in your life. Love that has you forsake all others while they invite them into your lives behind your back. Love, is great when it's good, but is earth-shattering when it goes wrong.
Then I weigh life without the love of a mate with unrivaled success. Success without a a life mate (male for me, but whatever floats your boat, lol) to share it with. No one to come home to and tell of your hard or great day. No one to kiss goodnight or explore your freakiest desires with and fall asleep in each others arms. You'll be on top of your professional game. No stress about your mate lying to you about anything or cheating on you. Working without the painful knot in your throat and chest because of a stupid argument or the feeling of being betrayed.
So which will it be? Love or success? Red pill or blue? Love with somewhat success or fighting tooth and nail to get the success you deserve, or success without the hastle of love and getting what you worked so hard for without being held down for the fear or marriage and babies.
While the babies aren't such a bad thought, the rest I'm not too sure about. Then I think about the fact I already have one child and while I do want more, I know I've been blessed to have her. Then as for a relationship, I've had a few with obvious turnouts. But none as bad as the one where I was in love. Love hurt me so bad and I am still feeling the effects of it. Sometimes it takes a moment to sucker punch me when I think I'm feeling a little better. Somehow I've managed to stay focused on my goals though. I don't know if that's because of maturity or repression, but it's working
So once again, which would or will I choose? Red pill or blue? Well I'm stil not sure, but for now I choose success. I have worked and am still working too hard to let some idiot sway me. See expecting untypical results from typical people is like loading a gun and expecting it not to shoot if the trigger is pulled. Highly unlikely. Degree or GED, they're all just people. People who do wrong because for some reason they feel they can wrong people without retribution. Well I'll let karma deal with that. And while I'm not looking for some superhuman being, I am looking for someone who not only knows right from wrong, but chooses to do right rather than wrong. But that's only when I'm ready to look, if I become ready to look again. Bottom line, Love sucks and the people who hurt you suck even more. And I don't care if you have 10 degree's, a sorry ass person is still a sorry ass person; just with education. Which is even more sad because of the blown potential.
I wish I didn't have to feel the way I feel, but it's my reality. So I'll take the blue pill if you don't mind and choose success. Maybe I'll reevaluate my position once I relocate for now this is where I stand.
So ladies, not whores and shiftless women, real ladies, which will it be? Red pill or blue? Love of success?

A beautiful disaster (written March 02, 2008)

So I woke pretty early this morning with a heavy burden on my mind. One thing I can say is Love is everlasting, so this is no declaration that I no longer love but a removal from an unhealthy situation. So much of myself has been given with only one request in return. A request that was never honored. So much has been given only to be left with feeling that I'm not the rare commodity that I am. To feel like I come a dime in a dozen! Well no more! Because I know I am no easy find, so good luck finding another improved model. Because I get better, stronger, and closer to perfection with every breath taken. My size 11 shoes, which I wear proudly are hard to fill, especially under the circumstances they were in. Undying love, insurmountable forgiveness, constant compromise, ongoing support, a partner as close as a right hand when needed. Strength when you had none. See those hard times you faced, I was right behind you. Not weighing you down as you would like others to think, but pushing you when you had no more strength to go on. When no one else could be found, I was no further than a simple phone call even when times were more than hard. Where was everyone else? And you claim to have a heart in pieces. It must be from the absence of those claiming to love you more than I did. This is a betrayal of love, and time; past, present, and future. Disbelief is only a state, but when you find yourself living there, it becomes your new home. Sorry there's no WELCOME mat, but I never thought this would be. But this is only my side of the story. Maybe you felt I had betrayed you. Maybe you felt your needs weren't getting met at times or maybe you needed more space. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't good enough for you! Now how's that for self-actualization. Maybe we were doomed from the beginning. Because I know I had clues (life's bitch slaps) to an inevitable end, and I know you did too. We both bent ourselves to fit into one anothers life, changed things that we believed for our individual selves to become a more inpenetrable unit. But there were 2 openings at the base of our stone wall. A vulnerable spot, one belonging to each of us. The more I write, the more I see the problem. It was me! I should've followed my first mind when I still had strength, courage, and common sense to do so. And you should've too. For me it was that day I should've walked away, but the look, the words, all promised better tomorrows. And while they lasted for a few, I knew better all the way. The trust had been broken then, too severe to repair. But I tried, we tried, and we managed a few more smiles even in between the turbulence which eventually manifested itself as a permanent fixture between us. The problem is I tried when I already knew. I should've said good-bye. And even when I felt life ripped from my being, my son flushed, I knew there would be no comeback. I still hold him next to me with a regret I'll never be free of. But I tried anyway when I knew the coffin had been nailed shut. We were definitely through then. And then her! No matter how that turned out, my trust for you had been destroyed. But my love, your love, just the love we shared together helped me think different. So I held on, prolonging what was sure to come. The love I have for you is dangerous. Dangerous to me, because I will ignore my better senses just to forgive you, to be yours. But! And I mean BUT, I wasn't as surprised as I seemed when it did finally end, but it still hurt just as bad as if I had no clue. Each heartbreak felt like the first time. See I'm the foolish one here, these were things I knew for certain but I ignored them for the sake of being in love. I gave all of me and some of me I didn't fully have yet in return for heckles. But that's spilled milk now because life rewrites itself. New chapters emerge. And while you'll always be apart of me, you'll never be good enough for me. And that may go both ways, but how tragic! We were given something great and let it shatter, damaged forever. Well, live and learn right. In my life you're the love. And while we still involve each other, I know what will not be. So amicable! But enough with the bad, the good has also been so remarkable, that when I speak of it others move into disbelief with me. They just don't understand how we manage. How we have become a family in our hearts no matter the disfunction, lol! with the ability to rest assured we have someone to count on no matter what. The upbringing of the one who has grown to become ours and how special that bond is. Regardless of the size of what I've said in this blog, that which we share is greater than anything I could ever put into words. There aren't words! Do you see how conflicted this is?? I am?? Life's greatest love ended. The best and worst thing that ever happened all rolled into one. God has to be a comedian, because this is too funny to be shameful. A beautiful disaster, LOL! But new chapters right? Through all this what is hoped to remain is the friendship that nothing or no one else can replace. The friendship that has been the source of so many laughs, support for hardships, and just there for no good reason at all. The friendship that has made it through the storm time after time. The friendship that has been, the only friendship that we have had at times. So maybe that's what was supposed to come from all this. So here's a toast to friendship. ( I know he would understand what I'm saying, but can anyone else? Sometimes you have to let go and move on, who knows maybe life will throw you a boomerang, LOL!) I officially let go and let God! Day-by-day going with the flow, but no longer fooling myself.

Downfalls of love...in this moment

Are they gluttons for punishment or do they really believe in the happily ever after? I used to be a fool for love but now I reconsider my position on a daily basis. I think about how much I have to give and how I would like to give and then I think about what I’m getting. Since I’ve yet to get back what I give, I now just wander until I either get lost in something else (usually work or partying) or I just forget where I was in the first place. I have decided that even though I want love, a healthy reciprocal love, I understand the chances of it actually happening. So I have to find myself content in the fact that I love me (most def baby!!!) and that I always have the love of God.

But I will be honest in saying that I do miss that feeling of someone laying next to me on those cold winter nights, laying around when its rainy outside, and making it a blockbuster night with some Asian takeout of some sort. While I am a pretty happy person, I can’t deny that I am finding myself to be a little lonely. Yeah I date and mingle occasionally, but I have yet to find someone in the same or similar position as myself. Everyone has their reasons, to which they are entitled, like their careers, families, or past relationships. But it’s not like I haven’t faced and dealt with or deal with any of those things too. I’m beginning to think maybe I’m the one whose situation doesn’t seem too appealing. I mean being honest, how many times does a person have to hear “I’m just not ready” before they begin to self doubt or just plain give up. It actually turns into a demoralizing experience.

The person I am dealing with at the moment, who is okay, I guess, has a love hangover. What I mean is, his past situation damn near broke him and now he’s playing the field so-to-speak until he feels comfortable settling down again. And while I empathize with him, that’s just not good enough for me now. I am ready for more. I’m past letting others in my past dictate my happiness now. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle waiting on something that may not be mine in the end. I don’t want to see my feelings get hurt again and I damn sure don’t want another broken heart. I’m wishing I never gave it up especially after closing up shop until I had a new steady and permanent occupant.(and yes I’m talking about sex) I don’t want this feeling that’s weighing down my chest making each breath feel harder and more painful than the next.

All this and I’m not even in love! What would it feel like if I was in love? Would I feel like I do now? I remember feeling that way in my past relationship. Love really hurt me, it almost broke me, and it murdered the person I used to be. Until I learned who Elle really was, I could hardly recognize myself. I just knew that this new chick had a fire that burned bright. She’s risky, fun, a little arrogant, strong, and confident. She says the hard things even when she doesn’t want to simply because she wants or needs to know. She is a better me. I transformed because of what love put me through. I have walked away from hate with less damage.

Right now this is just an incomplete thought………….

The Introduction of Elle

I wasn't born Elle. Elle was created. Through all the hurts and trials of my past apart of me died, or went into a form of stasis. Either way, the way I used to be, think, love, hurt, are all apart of my past. And now Elle has emerged from the haze that was once Lanessa. Tragedy or Triumph? I've yet to determine but I do find myself feeling more resolute and sturdy even in moments of weakness. Elle does a better job at my life now than Lanessa did so it only makes since to make the necessary changes. No I do not have multiple personalities or schizophrenia as it would be defined by medical reference. I am of sound mind, just not of sound heart. I am still figuring that part out. While your journey with me may be a little turbulent as I am up and down with my emotions as most Piscean are, I am brutally honest and painfully open. I was always one who believed if I was going to tell my story, it would be MY STORY! No fiction allowed! So brace yourselves as I am about to give you a pretty tricky ride........or not. Depends on whose reading.