Needed this today

Today I made the right decision to leave and go to church. I never needed to be somewhere so bad in my life. My heart was heavy from stress and so many other things and I just couldn't organize to get to began to resolve. I was in deep. I needed a release, some relief. As I sat in church I felt the pressure in my chest before service even began. I was a ticking time bomb and usually that would bother me even more but I felt safe in my surroundings. I felt comfort. The choir began to sing and I felt the joy the felt but it was when Pastor Kinloch came to the pulpit and began to pray is when the tears just fell down. They literally poured down my face. He spoke straight to my heart and while my problems still remain I just don't feel so burdened by them. I listened and took every word in as if it were the air I needed to breath. It was just what I needed to pull it together. Even though I think it was good I went to church alone today, I do wish I hadn't. What was said was not just for me and it needed to be heard, to be felt. It was such a universal presence in the building that one couldn't help but to leave feeling inspired, faithful, and hopeful. Whenever I come back to church, and I say this with regret for ever leaving in the first place, I wonder how I've been making it NOT being there. I WANT to be there and I need to be there. I'm a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode and somehow there is always something said or sung that defuses me. I hate that I carry so much around all the time but that's my life. I'm responsible for a lot of things and that means not being able to succumb to the stress of it. I don't have much room for weakness and even less room for failure. Because if I do its not just me that suffers. My story isn't unique but its my story nonetheless and I have to manage. I know it could be worse and I'm thankful its not, but that doesn't make it any less difficult. But the point I'm making is I was right were I needed to be today. My mood is better, my stress is down and I don't actually feel like complete crap today. I'm feeling good about the upcoming week and I think good things are going to happen. I actually don't have the headache I woke up with.

Currently....

just sad..........have nothing to say. It's funny, that after the anger wears off true feelings emerge. I hate when its sad.

Time for something new....or remixed

I haven't said anything in awhile and I feel its time I catch you up. A lot has taken place since the last time I spoke to you, some good and some not so good. Where to start is my dilemma.....I'll just start with my current situation.

Well I left the single life alone recently and while it wasn't that long ago it feels like its been ages. I feel like everything I've been through and every asshole I've encountered her just there to bide my time while I unknowingly waited for him. Strange when I think about it that way but honestly it makes me grateful that they existed or I may have missed him or he may have missed me. Life is funny the way it plays games. And I don't mean 'haha' or 'hehe' funny, more like ironically funny. Who would have thought this up? Honestly I think 1 person knew more than they'll ever admit too but I'm grateful nonetheless. I love him and there's not much else to say about that...and even when he drives me crazy I still miss him or want him near.

Strange to feel like this seeing as how I have problems with real emotion. Even now just typing about it I feel extra vulnerable and anyone who knows me KNOWS I don't like that at all! But with him its different. He doesn't let me keep my guard up, won't let me stay angry, or annoyed. And while it drives me insane, I love him for it.I love that he won't let either of us go to bed angry. Honestly, this seems quite perfect...I know we're not perfect by far but I think we just fit.

What's been a little scary for me about this whole thing is being totally open to someone again AND this reoccurring dream I KEEP having. While I know its not the case seeing as how I'm on BC it still doesn't stop this dream from freaking me the HELL out for fear of being someone else's 'baby mama'. I keep dreaming of Hannah Morgan McCloud. No matter what I do this little girl stays in my dreams. And its not that I don't want more children because I do. I just want the timing to be right and for both of us to want it and be ready. But let me tell you more about lil Ms. Hannah. She's freaking gorgeous, not that I doubted that at all LOL, but she reminds me so much of Taja with Ty's nose and lips. She showed me her face, her birth, and her 1st birthday! Whenever I dream about people I don't know or have yet to meet, I never see their actual face and that's what freaks me out the most about this. This dream is so real that I have to force myself to wake up to remind myself of my actual reality.

Man I'm all over the place with this. Not at all how I planned it to be but oh well. A lot has changed LOL...I guess the only thing I wish I could change is how long he stays on the video games! Now that is my damn pet peeve! I swear he spends more quality time with PS3 than me but I think I sound like every woman USA LMAO! So I guess I really have nothing to complain about...however that doesn't mean I like it! But I'm sure he has a pet peeve about me too so I remain quiet...honestly it might be how long it takes me to do laundry LOL...I HATE doing laundry but it must be done *sighs*...See now I'm just being random. I am bored and maybe tired so I'm going to leave this here for now so I can organize my thoughts and maybe make this make some damn sense.

The Human Condition

The number one problem I've found with the human condition is the need for validation. That desire to understood, heard, or whatever you want to call it. This need, this desire, leaves us constantly in a losing battle arguing sides against one another. Hoping the other will take interest in what you're saying or feeling without drifting off into some mundane advice like 'chill out,' or 'the sun shall rise again.' Or worse, that other person somehow managing to take something that's on your mind and making it about them or turning your thoughts or opinions into the scene of a battleground. If there were someway to exist and truly not require anyone to understand or even relate to you, would relationships/friendships be possible? I'm not entirely sure but I do wish I never required anyone to understand my POV or how I'm feeling rather it be good or bad. Honestly rarely do people give you the reaction you hope for or need so why do we constantly make ourselves even more vulnerable to them at a time when we're most vulnerable? Seems foolish right? Or is it that vulnerability the thing that makes us humane? We are already lonely souls wandering hoping to find that connection with that one person only to find that doesn't exist, nor does finding that person always mean happiness. Its the differences we share that keep us interested in each other. The similarities only bring you together long enough to see that then they no longer carry as much weight. But this works for and against us. Those same things that have such a heavenly affect can also be kryptonite. It can be the very thing that adds gas to the fire. The reason being is when one person is expressing themselves to the other opinions are formed and shared. It might not be what the person wants to hear or they may feel it doesn't apply to their situation which results in opposing opinions. Now you have 2 people trying to be understood...validated by the other. Thus the argument is formed. I want to kill that desire for validation in myself. I don't want it anymore. I'm sick of being unheard, misunderstood, and I'm especially of being made out to be the bad guy or unreasonable. I hope it doesn't make me cruel or cold but I can't afford to care anymore. My stress is just that, MY STRESS. No one carries it with me nor does anyone ease it so why feel the need to express anything to anyone about anything for them to only not listen to you anyway. I'm over it. I never needed a shoulder to cry on because I've dried my own tears on those rare occasions they fell. People come to me for strength, not the other way around. They've done this because they know I can handle it. They know if there's a problem I can solve it or find out how. They know I will listen, hear, and understand them. I validate. Plain and Simple. I've always been OK with that but I've yet to come to grips to not having that reciprocated. But how can you lean on those who lean on you? How can you depend on those who depend on you? You can't. They're looking to you to have what they need despite your own problems and strangely enough I always have what they need or the how-to to get it. I think I just solved my own problem.

Clusterfuck of a bad day

It started well before I was to wake up. My sleep was so disturbed I felt like I hadn't slept at all. Too much noise and the thunderstorm outside my window really worked against me. But that should have been my warning of the shitty day that was to come. I got to work this morning and discovered a coworker had committed suicide over the weekend.
Immediately I was overcome with grief...then I got angry because I knew she had to small children and a husband. I wonder what was so bad that she just didn't want to live anymore. I wonder what was she facing that she felt there was no possible way out........I guess you never really know until you're facing it. I just can't imagine purposely ending my life leaving my family like that. Its such a selfish thing to do.

After the long day finally ended at work I thought coming home would make me feel better but boy was I wrong. It just added to my frustration. It was such a nice day out that I wanted to work out and after realizing being home would not make me feel any better I damn near RAN to the gym. Too bad it didn't help much. I could not focus without my iPod but thats a whole other story.......I'm just in a bad mood. I hope this Paxil helps because as of right now I'm very unsettled. I need to find some peace or comfort.

I really need to be understood. I think that's most frustrating part but I don't want to get into it because it will only serve to further piss me off...I'm going to attempt this sleep thing again.

Dear future you

Hey you,

No I don't know who you are yet but its cool. I must admit that I wonder what you look, smell, and sound like. But most of all I wonder will you be crazy about me. Will you laugh at my jokes or be offended by them? Will you lay with me on a Saturday night watching movies and wisecracking or will you put your boys before me? Don't get me wrong, I want you to feel free to hang with the fellas but not to the expense of us. I wonder what will you do constantly that urkes me. That one thing that will drive me crazy but I won't be able to live without. I wonder.

Funny thing is I used to feel hurried to meet you like there was some deadline on our tomorrow. But now I realize that going with the flow will lead you to me and I to you. Although it would be great if you showed yourself sooner rather than later, don't worry. I'm on chill and I'll be here. You won't have to worry about whose touching, rubbing, and sexing what belongs to you because I'll keep it wrapped tight. Anyone from my past, will stay right there unable to disrupt our future.

And yeah I have a list of things I want from you but you'll already be that and/or ready to become that. So instead here's what I promise to be for you. I promise to be faithful, loyal, always have your back, honest, make you laugh when you feel like crying, listen with both ears, compromise, be understanding, and know when I've said enough. I also promise to be a lady when we're out but a freak when we're alone. I'll fulfill my role as a woman to you because I know you'll fulfill your role as a man to me. I promise to never make you feel less than what you are, never disrespect you, and show humility when I'm wrong while never boasting when I'm right...unless its about football LOL. I promise to always be strong without overpowering you. And most importantly, I'll be ready for a new adventures and learning new things with you.

Well I don't want to give it all away, but I did want to let you know. I was thinking about you before I even met you. Even if it were only for a moment.

Later babes

Just sharing some common sense...that's not so common

I've been on this planet 29 years so far and began living life at a very early age. I had to mature faster than most my age and that leaves me in a lonely "learn for yourself" spot in a lot of cases. But here's a few things that I've learned that can hopefully help someone else to not make the same mistakes I've made.

First, when your mind says leave and your heart says stay...LEAVE! Your mind is more rational and while your heart is more impulsive and optimistic in the most grim situations. A lot of times, your heart is the reason for your demise because your emotions outweighed your common sense. God gave you common sense for one reason and one reason only. TO USE IT! So don't ignore those warning signs that are blaring in bright red lights. You'll save yourself some time, major depression, and heartache.

It's easy to blame others for hurting you but you have to be accountable for how you let others affect you as well. You can't simply place the blame on someone for being who they are and doing what they normally do if you knew and stayed to be on the receiving end of it. You always have the choice and instead of thinking it'll change if you wait a little longer, love a little harder, or give a little more, use that common sense in your head and do whats best for YOU. It's not always the easy road and I can attest to that but think about it this way. The longer you stay in an unhealthy situation, the more damage you incur therefore the more costly (time spent) to repair what's been done. Also keeping in mind that somethings can't be undone.

Secondly, say or ask what's on your mind. Why hold all these questions in thinking you already know what they're going to say? Did you ever think that you might be WRONG. This is a lesson that was, for me, the hardest to learn which is surprising considering how outspoken I can be. I always hate the uncomfortable questions because I tend to fear the response not being in my favor. And I hate that even more. But the fact is, the truth is the truth and you can't get away from it so get it straight from the source. Once you know, you feel a lot better about yourself and your situation because you have a better idea of what's happening and what's next.

Don't make yourself into the know-it-all and later find out you were wrong. Sometimes the courage to ask or say the most uncomfortable prompts people to have to make a decision. This also levels the playing field so both parties involved know whats going on at that moment and what to expect. I think of it like this, I wouldn't let a surgeon operate on me in a dark room so why would I hand over my heart in one.

Third, don't sit around waiting on someone to become the person you want them to be. All you'll have to show for it is time spent. People need room to grow and sometimes what a person needs is for you to not crowd their space. Hell even the distance helps because they get to see how life is without you and if that's how they want to keep it. I have yet to see the monkey that stopped the show. So I say date multiple people (DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MULTIPLE PEOPLE!) That way you're not sitting around waiting for the phone to ring and you're also giving yourself a chance to see what's out there. Hell the person you WANT the most might not be the person you NEED the most....who will turn into the person you want anyway. See keep your eyes and ears open while only opening your mouth enough to find out the information you need to make decisions. Funny thing when you shut up and listen, you learn things. People always want to share their story, so let them. They just might save you some valuable time.

Fourth, and I'm making this my last one for now for the purposes of length. Don't be afraid to start over. We spend time in situations that leave us heartbroken and confused. Then someone who might actually be decent comes around and our fear prevents us from giving them a fair chance. You miss out on a lot being afraid. Now I'm not saying be reckless and naive. Just be fearless and wise. You won't get it right all the time but that's why we try again. Those who fail over and over again eventually succeed. This is because they keep trying. They note where they went wrong the last time and make adjustments for the next time and eventually they get it right. Failure is apart of success and NO you can't just skip ahead to the succeeding part or else you won't know what to do with it.

In keeping number 4 in mind also be aware of your own faults. We all tend to think we're good women and good men but that doesn't make you perfect. And sometimes those imperfections are too much for someone else to bear. Yes, yes we all want to find someone to put up with our crap too but even that has its limits. So be prepared to make some changes and compromises within yourself because while imperfect you may be, you should also be tolerable.

That's all for now. Hope someone finds this helpful.