Bitter Black Bitch

I was driving to class today and my ipod began to play Diary by Wale. As always I was feeling the song and singing the lyrics along with both Wale and Marsha when I started to reflect on the honesty of the lyrics from both perspectives.

It caused me to think about how I react to men based on past experiences and I also recounted my friends experiences in love as well and I see the same pattern. Some are worse off than others but its a common experience.

This makes me feel bad for the good guys who come behind heartbreaks. They catch HELL in most cases. So many women feel like they have to make him prove himself that he won't treat them the same but that's not his responsibility. He shouldn't have to! You give the good guys hell and when most of them realize they don't deserve that bullshit you're giving them and leave. You charge him off as another man that did you wrong.

Don't you get it! You're doing just as much wrong as someone did to you. The behavior is cyclical. No one owes you a healing so stop looking for it in the next man. Jumping through hoops offers no healing and last time I checked, they also were not an indication of love. If you haven't noticed by now, some men will do a lot of good shit to get laid then transform back into their normal selves.

My point is a man's value in your life is what you make it. If you choose to make it a painful experience then that's exactly what ye shall reap. If you choose to engage in this partnership positively with a person then the potential is limitless. Now that's not saying be a fool. Any partnership should be based on mutual respect, communication and boundaries must be set.

Women, but more importantly, BLACK WOMEN! Let go of this bitterness! It's a turn-off and makes you seem more like a project than a companion. Your attitude and general lack of respect for men actually reflects a lack of respect for yourself. Being a bitchy black woman does NOT mean you're a strong black woman. Honestly, it means just the opposite. Anybody can hold a grudge and be angry because of what 'someone did to you'. Hello.....YOU ALLOWED IT! Being bitter because of it is weak. It takes strength to forgive and heal. It takes strength to move on and start again. That's the makings of a TRUE strong woman.

I'm going to end this here but pass it on to others. We need to help each other and it has to start somewhere.

I'm choking, I can't breathe a full breath. The lights are fading around me and I'm slipping further into the dark. Everything around me is in a constant blur...what's happening to me.

My heart is dying. The love that once lived here has been gone for so long, I barely believe it ever existed. I try to recall the good things about being in love but all I can remember is the pain, the tears, the fights, and the constant sadness. That's what being in love has come to mean to me. And who wants to feel like that willingly?

Funny thing is I think I'm the one killing it off. My heart is always the one thing I can't control. It makes me weaker, its the one source of pain I can't endure with strength and keep it moving. My heart seems to be more of a downfall than a benefit to me these days. It keeps tears in my eyes even when their just bellowing beneath the surface. It constantly reminds me of the pain I've endured and the pain I currently suffer.

A baby I still mourn because of a decision that I didn't take control of. A childhood laced with molestation and teen years riddled with abuse and rape...twice. Hell it seems like most of the pain I've suffered has been by the hands of men and 100% of the pain I've suffered has been at the hands of someone I love of either gender so why would I EVER let anyone else in my heart?!

I'm sick of allowing people to let me down. I'd rather just get what I need and keep it moving. It may be lonely but at least the hurt I may suffer will be at my own hand instead of by someone else. You see I've had to rebuild myself, take care of others, and had to learn to live with things most turn to Lifetime to cry to. I've lived it!

Now back to me and the dying heart issue. Apart of me feels that if I kill it off I won't have to endure these things anymore. Maybe 'love' isn't for everyone, maybe it isn't for me. Its like if you had gangrene in your foot, if treatment failed doctors would cut it off. How is this any different? I'm sure its inconvenient at times to not have a foot just like it would be inconvenient at times to not have a heart.

I'll have to come back to this thought as I'm a little tired and the movie I'm currently watching is also putting me to bed. LOL! I'll expand on this later....till then

I am not my hair

I haven't been on here as much as I should but please believe I have so much to share. So here goes...

Ok so I've been growing my hair out for the second time in 3 years. The first time was because I was fresh out of a relationship and I wanted to rid myself of the past so I cut my blond tresses which I did successfully. But then I decided I wanted to wear my hair and after 6 years of being without a relaxer I put on in and regretted the decision instantly! My hair is full but thin so the relaxer made my hair even finer and it look thin and lifeless. THEN, I was diagnosed with SLE a form of Lupus last November and was put on high dose steroids and I lost a patch at the TOP OF MY FREAKING HEAD which, needless to say, reduced me to tears in the worst kind of way.

Well it grew back and now after growing my hair out again I decided to get rid of my relaxed hair. So a few weeks ago, I CUT IT! I cut my hair down to the virgin hair which left me with shoulder length hair but I love the way it feels. So when it grows back this time, it will be chemical free TOTALLY!

Some other changes I've made is I gave up shampooing so I only co-wash my hair and I don't only wear sew in's anymore. I give my hair time to relax without the tension of braids or weaves and I'm giving more protective hair styles a chance. So I'll keep you updated of my progress.

Single in the City

So here's how I currently feel. Blank! I don't have any strong feelings for anyone anymore and I know what I want from the opposite sex although the seem incapable of producing. I don't care what anyone says, it IS hard being a single black woman ready for a relationship.

A friend told me to begin praying to ask God to send me my husband but I always felt God already knew what I wanted and was ready for so maybe it wasn't time for him to answer that prayer for me just yet despite my strong feelings on the matter. But nonetheless I'm going to try it.

Another friends aunt subscribed her to eHarmony and Match.com in attempts to boost and improve her love/date life. I'm beginning to think online romance may not be such a bad idea. You have nothing to lose and there's a vast array of single prospects at your finger tips. I don't know maybe I'll give it a try to see how it turns out.

But then I look around and realize not everyone is facing the same things. The more a woman has on her own, the fewer guys pay attention to her. I think this is out of fear of her emasculating him, or maybe her booty isn't as big as the girl who hits the club a few times a week and she doesn't have as much time to devote to stroking his ego as she has a career and lifestyle to maintain or improve. I wonder if he realizes that she is just waiting for someone to come and relieve her of some of these responsibilities to make her feel safe and kept (to a certain extent of course).

I wonder what do men think when they see me hauling a 50" inch flat screen into my truck with no help, or when they see me at home depot getting my painting or other DIY supplies. What are they thinking about me? Do I intimidate them? I always wonder why they look at me strange when I say I changed my tire or oil. I want to tell them I come from a family of women who were taught to fend for themselves just in case a man wasn't there to do it for them. My grandfather raised, for lack of a better term, Amazon women!

He instilled in us the importance of being women but also the importance of being strong. So while he said you need to cook, clean, and submit to the man of the house (not be a fool, 2 TOTALLY different things), he also taught us to lift heavy objects with your knees first, mow your own lawn, change your tire, oil, battery, and wiper blades, and do small home repairs. Now don't think for one second he had us doing this stuff because my Granddad was a real man. He recognized his daughters no longer had husbands and his granddaughter had no father so he stepped up and filled the position with pride. Up until his health began to fail him, he cut our lawns, pulled our garbage cans out for pickup, did our home repairs, and more. He was the best man I've ever known to this day.

Now back to this subject of dating. I ask men often; If you met a good woman today what would stop you from being with her? Kids, if so how many? Weight, if so how much and why not exercise WITH her? Not pretty enough, is she really that bad on the eyes? What detail would be the deal breaker? They all claim none of these but they turn right around and reject women constantly based on these criteria. One of my closest friends just recently got engaged for the new year. He is SOOO SEXY HANDSOME its ridiculous and he's got it going on to be honest. He completes his masters in architecture this summer. So his future is BRIGHT! But back to the engagement. The young lady to whom he is engaged is by most standards unattractive. She's chubby, skin is blotchy, and she is lacking in 'natural grace' so to speak. She also has twin girls. Well he's dated prettier model chicks in his past so our male friends can't understand why he's marrying her. And is in LOVE with her.

What they don't see is Chrissy is funny and a blast to be around, she can cook her ass off, she supports my friend's dreams and goals regardless of how unattainable they seem to others AND (check this little detail) she's just finished law school. She's domestic and career oriented all wrapped into one. Now the past model chicks he dated who aspired to be nothing or 'models', most of them didn't have jobs or lil piece of jobs, they spent like crazy on shit they couldn't afford (real or fake) just to impress people who could care less about them and they couldn't find time to support his dreams. They brought him down actually. His grades slipped, he partied too much instead of studying, and they could care less because they already knew they had no future so to hell with his.

Honestly he wasn't attracted to Chrissy at first, she was just cool to hang out with and she grew on him. That's when he realized what kind of woman she was. The other chicks just walked past in their freak um dresses and he was hooked like a fish. But if he didn't open his eyes soon enough, she could've been caught up by someone else and he would've been looking at the life he wanted instead of living it. Why do men do this? Great woman, slightly imperfect=passed over, whereas Cute face/figure=automatic attraction.

This is why dating is so hard. Myself, I'm pretty, smart, career and goal oriented, domestic, live well, and I'm a mother. I get looked over too. No I AM NOT PERFECT AND WILL NEVER CLAIM TO BE. But I know I'm a helluva catch yet, the fishermen don't bait me and the ones that do usually cause me to jump back over the side of the boat LOL!

I know I have a point here and I know this is common but my question is Why?