I'm choking, I can't breathe a full breath. The lights are fading around me and I'm slipping further into the dark. Everything around me is in a constant blur...what's happening to me.

My heart is dying. The love that once lived here has been gone for so long, I barely believe it ever existed. I try to recall the good things about being in love but all I can remember is the pain, the tears, the fights, and the constant sadness. That's what being in love has come to mean to me. And who wants to feel like that willingly?

Funny thing is I think I'm the one killing it off. My heart is always the one thing I can't control. It makes me weaker, its the one source of pain I can't endure with strength and keep it moving. My heart seems to be more of a downfall than a benefit to me these days. It keeps tears in my eyes even when their just bellowing beneath the surface. It constantly reminds me of the pain I've endured and the pain I currently suffer.

A baby I still mourn because of a decision that I didn't take control of. A childhood laced with molestation and teen years riddled with abuse and rape...twice. Hell it seems like most of the pain I've suffered has been by the hands of men and 100% of the pain I've suffered has been at the hands of someone I love of either gender so why would I EVER let anyone else in my heart?!

I'm sick of allowing people to let me down. I'd rather just get what I need and keep it moving. It may be lonely but at least the hurt I may suffer will be at my own hand instead of by someone else. You see I've had to rebuild myself, take care of others, and had to learn to live with things most turn to Lifetime to cry to. I've lived it!

Now back to me and the dying heart issue. Apart of me feels that if I kill it off I won't have to endure these things anymore. Maybe 'love' isn't for everyone, maybe it isn't for me. Its like if you had gangrene in your foot, if treatment failed doctors would cut it off. How is this any different? I'm sure its inconvenient at times to not have a foot just like it would be inconvenient at times to not have a heart.

I'll have to come back to this thought as I'm a little tired and the movie I'm currently watching is also putting me to bed. LOL! I'll expand on this later....till then